Numb and Other Scattered Thoughts

“Sometimes we even lose the freedom to express this feeling of loss.”…which in turn produces a numb feeling. If I happened to let my feelings slip then I’m “bad” for feeling or I just don’t understand what she went through. It hurts to be forced to hide my hurts but fighting produces no fruit.

What day do we look forward to most in the year? All our lives, the day that is ours! For the first time in 26 years my birthday is more painful than fun because the two people who should care the most didn’t love me enough to stay together- to be here together to celebrate it with me. Okay, so I know that’s not totally true and it’s a selfish outlook but it’s a thought that invades at my weakest moments.

Insanity: when microscopic crumbs become larger than elephants ~Kayla Howard
Close the cabinet doors, straighten the napkins, magazines in perfect order, no, no, no, please no fog…NO, NO, DON’T TAKE THE SUNSHINE FROM ME!!!! I think it’s just the effort to control something in my life but there are these weird little things that won’t leave me alone.

I’m not sure that I have an answer to my happiness questions, or at least I don’t have one that is researched in the scriptures. My gut instinct says this: God wants us to be happy loving Him more than anything. If we could really understand and know God, I think it would be almost impossible to love anything else. If we could really grasp the abbreviated life we live here, worldly happiness wouldn’t matter. Above all I desire a meek and quiet spirit that blesses those around me. Starting with my children and my husband, may my life be poured out as an offering of love and a balm of God’s peace.