This Christmas week has really brought out my sense of loss. Loss of a Christmas with my parentS~ What a pain in the butt! My sister had to have 4 Christmases because things are broken on BOTH sides. Now, loss of my dad to somebody I don’t know and my mom to another person I don’t know and don’t want to be part of my family. Nice enough people, just not my family. My kids have lost grandparents to new love interests. Loss…
Forgiveness means refusing to continue to bear a grudge against another person.
The Refiner's Fire
This is for anyone passing through tough times.
There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three, which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. "
This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work.
She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest, so as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot -- then she thought again about the verse that says, "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he also had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, how do you know when the silver is fully refined?
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh that's easy -- when I see my image in it."
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Question
Does God want us to be happy? Bottom line, end of the day, is HE most concerned with our wordly happiness? I'll have more thoughts on this but will leave you with that question for now.
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Eph. 4.32
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Eph. 4.32
Friday, December 19, 2008
Memories
Memories of my mother when she was happy with my dad are beautiful. Even though she wishes to deny that she caused us pain, she did and I find the most healing in not wallowing in the last 3 months of pain but in remembering the 26 years of good. My favorite way to remember my mother is laughing, laughing at my dad. My dad is hilarious and extremely entertaining when he’s at best. She loved him, he could always make her or Ashley (and I for that matter), laugh until our sides hurt or someone spewed their beverage across the room. I wanted to be specific with my memories but since I'm not a great story teller, they sounded hallow. Simply said, nearly all my childhood memories are very good.
Blessed are my Father and Mother, for they were wonderful, Godly parents.
The love they lost. Maybe more accurately, the commitment they ignored. I must remember that they really did love each other. Most people don’t get married unless they love each other and intend to stay together forever. It’s important to remember: they did love each other, it wasn’t a lie. When they said they’d never divorce, that it wasn’t and option, that they were best friends—it was TRUE. Always remember, it was true.
Somehow we must separate today from yesterday so we can cherish what we had. Harder still, we must believe that they still love us just as much as before. They don’t want each other--which we perceive as they don’t want US—our family. They’re happiness is more important than the US. But, what right do we have to happiness? Do we deserve nothing but bliss? I think not, but as humans we certainly tend to think so.
“But to all who believed Him and accepted Him, He gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12
Blessed are my Father and Mother, for they were wonderful, Godly parents.
The love they lost. Maybe more accurately, the commitment they ignored. I must remember that they really did love each other. Most people don’t get married unless they love each other and intend to stay together forever. It’s important to remember: they did love each other, it wasn’t a lie. When they said they’d never divorce, that it wasn’t and option, that they were best friends—it was TRUE. Always remember, it was true.
Somehow we must separate today from yesterday so we can cherish what we had. Harder still, we must believe that they still love us just as much as before. They don’t want each other--which we perceive as they don’t want US—our family. They’re happiness is more important than the US. But, what right do we have to happiness? Do we deserve nothing but bliss? I think not, but as humans we certainly tend to think so.
“But to all who believed Him and accepted Him, He gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Grieving Our Losses
In The Secret of Loving, Josh McDowell wrote that resolving a conflict is more rewarding than dissolving a relationship. This is especially true when it comes to making peace with our parents and the impact of divorce on our life. Making peace doesn’t mean that we like the impact of the divorce or that we condone or accept it as good. It does mean that we acknowledge it, grieve it and choose our response to it. We make peace with our pasts when we decided not to react to the present based on the past experiences and hurts, but rather choose to respond in ways that enhance the future we desire.
Making peace means we choose to accept our parents for who they are today, with all of their imperfections and the consequences of their choices. While we’re quick to acknowledge that our own emotions and moods fluctuate, we tend to forget that our relationships ebb and flow as well. Making peace in our relationships does not mean we’ll live perpetual bliss. It does mean we choose to forgive and accept forgiveness, release resentment and commit to the continuation of a relationship--in whatever form it may need to take--rather than walk away from a burned bridge.
Our parents may have made some wrong or hurtful choices. In the midst of taking care of themselves, they may have forgotten to take care of us, Without their protective cover, we were hurt, perhaps even abused. In reality, our parents did wrong us, and we will pay the consequences of their actions for the rest of our lives. However, regardless of our pasts we each have a choice: Will I allow my pain to make me bitter toward my parents, or will I take responsibility for my own choices and choose to make peace instead?
There is not such thing as a perfect family. Each family will falls short of the perfect ideal God intended and thus be dysfunctional.
As children of divorce, we experience incredible loss: the loss of stability, the loss of financial security, the loss of continuity, the loss of shared history, and the loss of deep intimacy with both parents. Sometimes we lose even the freedom to express this feeling of loss.
~From Generation Ex by Jen Abbas
Making peace means we choose to accept our parents for who they are today, with all of their imperfections and the consequences of their choices. While we’re quick to acknowledge that our own emotions and moods fluctuate, we tend to forget that our relationships ebb and flow as well. Making peace in our relationships does not mean we’ll live perpetual bliss. It does mean we choose to forgive and accept forgiveness, release resentment and commit to the continuation of a relationship--in whatever form it may need to take--rather than walk away from a burned bridge.
Our parents may have made some wrong or hurtful choices. In the midst of taking care of themselves, they may have forgotten to take care of us, Without their protective cover, we were hurt, perhaps even abused. In reality, our parents did wrong us, and we will pay the consequences of their actions for the rest of our lives. However, regardless of our pasts we each have a choice: Will I allow my pain to make me bitter toward my parents, or will I take responsibility for my own choices and choose to make peace instead?
There is not such thing as a perfect family. Each family will falls short of the perfect ideal God intended and thus be dysfunctional.
As children of divorce, we experience incredible loss: the loss of stability, the loss of financial security, the loss of continuity, the loss of shared history, and the loss of deep intimacy with both parents. Sometimes we lose even the freedom to express this feeling of loss.
~From Generation Ex by Jen Abbas
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Reflections
Before my parents divorce I used to think that divorce was very common. It seemed like everyone around was leaving, there just wasn't anyone who stayed together anymore. They say 40% of marriages end in divorce but I was secretly convinced it was more like 70%. Now I feel like a freak, like I'm black marked somehow. I started counting it up, "Emily's parents are still married, Matt's parents are still married, Josh's parents are still married but Jill's aren't"... I guess that 40% rate of divorce is pretty accurate.
Writing has never been a strong point for me but I've been encouraged to journal my feelings. I want my kids to know someday what I went through and why. I want to remember how it felt. My intention is not to slam one or the other of my parents, but I will mention both. The goal is to heal my heart through God's amazing power and sort out my thoughts--or at least get them out. If by some small chance my journaling helps another through their pain, praise be to God.
Writing has never been a strong point for me but I've been encouraged to journal my feelings. I want my kids to know someday what I went through and why. I want to remember how it felt. My intention is not to slam one or the other of my parents, but I will mention both. The goal is to heal my heart through God's amazing power and sort out my thoughts--or at least get them out. If by some small chance my journaling helps another through their pain, praise be to God.
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